Made on a Generous Plan Coaching

Meredith Noble is a food & body peace coach for plus-sized people. Part intuitive eating coach, part body image coach, and fully guided by the principles of Health At Every Size, she helps people who struggle with emotional eating, binge eating, and chronic dieting reestablish healthy relationships with their bodies and food.

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Coping when your friends, colleagues, and family are still dieting

Starting down the path towards a non-diet lifestyle is exciting! We can feel excited by the prospects of finally healing from disordered eating, emotional eating, binge eating, and the like. We can feel empowered when we’re at home browsing body positive Instagram feeds, reading articles about fat acceptance, and practicing self-care activities. But things get much trickier when we interact with others who are not familiar with this approach to food.

There is no denying it: this way of life is not yet mainstream. While many have caught on that “dieting” is unhealthy, the same people promote “clean eating”, “lifestyle changes”, “eating for leanness”, and about a million other things that are really diets by other names.

When we do this work, we remain surrounded by diet culture. We may find little enclaves where we are insulated from it, but at the end of the day we still have to go to the office, hang out with friends, have family gatherings, etc. Diet culture is right there waiting for us when we leave our cozy body positive cocoons.

How’s a person to deal? Try this advice on for size.

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Meredith’s Tips for Coping With Diet Talk

1. Make sure you have a strong community backing you up.

At the end of the day, you need to find people who’ve got your back and can reinforce the messages of Health At Every Size when your own doubts creep up.

We all have moments of weakness where we see people we know dieting think, “She’s losing weight! Maybe long-term weight loss is possible after all!” or, “Oh no, I went up a size; maybe I should start restricting my food again!”

The key is to have friends to support you through these moments: to remind you that dieting doesn’t work, and also to remind you of what you’ve gained by doing this work.

Interested in finding community with other plus-sized women who want to leave dieting behind? My Facebook group is on hiatus at this point but in the meantime I highly recommend checking out the Food Psych Listener Crew Facebook Group, which I help moderate. (Not sure what “Food Psych” is? Check out my Best Body Positive Podcasts.)

2. Set firm boundaries on diet talk in your relationships.

Diet talk is everywhere. Once you’ve given up dieting, hearing diet talk on a regular basis from family members, friends, or anyone else in your life can be both exasperating and triggering.

Coping with diet talk can be especially hard when you were recently quite happy to participate in it. Particularly when we’re new to intuitive eating and Health At Every Size, those around us don’t know what we’re doing, and just go about their normal food- and body-shaming ways.

What’s important to realize is that you have the right to set boundaries on your relationships. In fact, just like good fences make good neighbors, good boundaries make good relationships. Most importantly, you are allowed to change your boundaries at any point in time; just because you were an enthusiastic participant of diet talk in the past doesn’t mean that you have to be going forward.

It can be helpful to put boundaries on diet talk. You may choose to gently tell the other people you are spending time with that you prefer not to discuss food or bodies, period. It may be helpful to tell them the ways in which it hurts you to persuade them, or you may choose to leave that detail out.

You may have to remind them; diet talk is so common that sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Trust that if they care about you they will make this change.

3. After putting the kibosh on diet talk, decide whether you want to educate people on alternatives.

After putting a firm boundary up wherever it needs to be to protect you from triggering diet talk, you’re now free to decide how far you want to go in explaining yourself to the people you spend time with. Again, it’s important to realize that you have the right to not say a word about your new journey.

On the other hand, there may be people that you actually want to introduce to your new mindset. Before those encounters, consider how much effort you want to put into educating others, and how much pushback you’re willing to brook. Then, for your own emotional health, be prepared to step away if things go past the limits you’ve set.

If you do want to introduce certain people to your new way of thinking, scroll down to the second part of this article.

4. Consider avoidance on social media.

While it is probably not possible for you to avoid your dieting mother-in-law or restriction-obsessed coworker entirely, it could be possible for you to avoid her on Facebook, even if it’s just for a short while.

What would it feel like to unfollow certain friends or family who post diet-y things that you see on social media? They would never have to know.

5. Emotionally prepare yourself for encounters with people promoting diet culture.

Before you meet with people whose discussions you might find triggering, consider creating an energetic boundary around yourself.

I like to do this by picturing a giant bubble around me. I use my creativity to design the bubble to look however I want in the moment. Sometimes it’s iridescent purple, other times it’s gold. Visualize this bubble as your protector when you’re in diet talk situations. You don’t have to let any of that energy in; your bubble can protect you.

I know this can sound a little “woo”, but this exercise is really about reminding yourself to be mindful in the moment and that you don’t have to take everything that others are giving to you.

Breathing exercises and sending yourself self-compassion can also help.

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What if I want to convince others to stop dieting?

When we love people and see them going down a path that we fear might be harmful to them, it’s really hard to do nothing.

On the other hand, diet culture is so ubiquitous and its beliefs are so strongly engrained in us that we really need to be at our wit’s end in order to be open to such radical ideas as not counting calories or categorizing foods as “clean” and “unclean”.

Here are some thoughts to consider before you try to introduce others to this philosophy.

1. Realize that, without even trying, you are an embodiment of this work.

I’ve noticed something: when people start to do this work, they start to glow.

I’ve had untold people tell me that something really seems to have shifted in me, and that they can see it in the way I hold myself and interact with others. And I in turn have seen similar changes in my friends.

When someone starts to believe in themselves, accept their body size and shape, and trust in their body’s signals and desires — it shows.

You need to have faith in these subtle messages you’re sending. Even when you’re not explicitly advocating for this lifestyle in a conversation, you implicitly are through your embodiment of this work.

2. Remember it is your prerogative to not try to convince someone.

You only have to change hearts and minds if and when you want to. You can absolutely put all of this aside and stay quiet when people are discussing food rules at work, for instance. You do not have a responsibility to educate everyone on these topics. It is an option you have available to you, and that’s all.

I suggest only thinking about introducing others to these ideas once you’re feeling on firm ground yourself. Be patient, and know that you have the rest of your life to spread this message if and when you feel comfortable.

3. Think of it as planting seeds.

If you do try to introduce people to these ideas, remember that you are unlikely to convince someone to give up on diet culture in one short conversation. We have all been living in this culture for years and years, so it’s only natural for people to have doubts and skepticism at first.

As you introduce someone to these concepts, think of yourself as planting little seeds. Those seeds may not sprout immediately, but they could germinate when you least expect them to.

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Have other suggestions of how to cope when the people surrounding you are still entrenched in diet culture, or have stories about sharing this philosophy with others? Share them in the comments below.

Warmly,

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About Meredith

Fat liberation and intuitive eating coach Meredith NobleI'm Meredith Noble and I'm a fat liberation, Health At Every Size® and intuitive eating coach.

If you have struggled with chronic dieting and the challenges of being fat in a fatphobic world, I'm here to help you finally feel at home in your fat body.

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I took part in an event recently with a variety of I took part in an event recently with a variety of students in healthcare fields. They were all future doctors or other allied medial professionals. And I was so disheartened by the fact that extremely few of them had been disabused of the idea that fat people are fat because they either haven't thought to diet or haven't tried hard enough to diet.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Even the most basic advice we fat people are given by healthcare providers to help us lose weight, such as "eat less and move more", DOESN'T WORK. In reality our bodies undergo a series of metabolic changes that sabotage our ability to maintain any weight loss — this includes making food literally tastier to our tastebuds and reducing our energy level so we move less. (Look up the Minnesota Starvation study for more details, and note that 1500 calories was considered a "starvation diet" for the participants.)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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So reader, in case your medical provider has tried to advise you to lose weight, I just want you to know that you are able to care for your health and wellbeing without chasing a number on a scale. Dieting of any kind, and by that I mean manipulating food and movement in any way to purposefully lose weight, does not work in the long-term. But caring for yourself in a weight-neutral way does.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Yes, we can be fooled into thinking these weight loss tactics work — how many times have you heard someone say, "I lose X pounds in the last Y days?!" But research shows that at the one, two, three, five year marks — people have regained the weight, and usually have gained past their initial starting weight. I can't wait for more of the healthcare providers in the world to catch on to this.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Made on a Generous Plan ・ Fat liberation coaching ・ Online and in Portland, OR ・ Visit generousplan.com for more!
Please don't put so much pressure on yourselves to Please don't put so much pressure on yourselves to have an unconditionally positive relationship to fatness as a fat person. You don't have to aim to go through your life saying "everything about fatness is the cat's meow and I'm never going to let this get to me." Allow me to explain.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I would love for you to find ways to thrive in your fat body and feel kind, compassionate, and even loving towards it. I would love for you to find joyful ways to feel embodied, and for you to know that you have the same worthiness regardless of the size and shape of your body. I want SO badly for you to have those things and I've devoted my life to supporting people as they find new ways of relating to their fat bodies.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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BUT: I also want you to know that being fat positive doesn't mean you're never impacted by the shittiness of the world. Being fat positive doesn't mean fatphobia is supposed to run off you like water on a duck's back. Never get down on yourself for your grief about having to live in a fat body in a world that is inhospitable to it. Never get down on yourself for your sadness and anger about having to miss out on opportunities that are inaccessible due to your size. Never get down on yourself when you notice you're gaining weight and you feel afraid of what the consequences might be in terms of medical care, access to clothing, how your family/colleagues/friends might treat you, etc. etc. etc.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Being fat positive is about your relationship with YOURSELF and your relationship TO OTHER FAT PEOPLE. It's about accepting yourself and accepting others, and that's it. It has nothing to do with how you feel when other people treat you poorly for being fat, or how you feel when the built environment doesn't accommodate your fatness. Focus on your relationship to yourself and other fat people in your healing, and don't hold yourself back from feeling your oh-so-valid emotions about fat oppression whenever they arise.
Your health status and size have zero bearing on y Your health status and size have zero bearing on your worth or your lovability. They do not impact how much compassion you deserve, how much patience you deserve, or how much kindness you deserve. PERIOD.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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If you are fat and have health conditions, I see you. I AM you. Please be kind and gentle with yourself, and seek out others who will also be kind and gentle with you. Although they can be hard to find, HAES-informed medical providers do exist, and connecting with HAES community can help you figure out who in your community is safe to see as a fat person.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Made on a Generous Plan ・ Fat liberation coaching ・ Online and in Portland, OR ・ Visit generousplan.com for more!
The stigma around diabetes is strong, particularly The stigma around diabetes is strong, particularly type 2 diabetes, which is considered by many to be the result of "poor lifestyle choices."⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Here's the thing: you are not to blame for your health conditions, diabetes or otherwise. You think you're to blame for them because our neoliberal society (particularly in America) has taught us that we are responsible for our health. Making so many things our responsibility makes things easier for the state — it means the government doesn't have to work as hard to care for its citizens, and that we still stay productive and produce and consume capital as it wants us to do.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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(These are all ideas put forward by Michel Foucault, or built on Foucault's ideas. For more information, look up governmentality, responsibilization, neoliberalism, and healthism.)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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By the way, most people ignore that type 2 is HIGHLY genetically influenced and is even more genetically influenced than type 1. Furthermore, fatphobia originally led scientists to assume that fatness caused type 2 diabetes, and now evidence is showing that metabolic changes lead to BOTH weight gain and the development of type 2. (Look up Peter Attia's TED talk for more. But stop there because he's now a diety biohacker, eww.)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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But what about lifestyle factors, you ask? First—and this is important—eating sugar and other simple carbohydrates does NOT cause diabetes.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Second, some sources claim that moving your body regularly can stave off the development of diabetes. I am not enough of an expert to know if this is true (particularly after fatphobia in research is accounted for), but hey, it's plausible given what we know about how movement impacts blood sugar. Here's what I know for sure though: even if movement could theoretically stave off type 2, people who don't move "enough" STILL aren't to blame for their type 2 diagnosis.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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CONTINUED IN FIRST COMMENT
You may have heard of the concept of setpoint. It You may have heard of the concept of setpoint. It is defined in Lucy Aphramor & Lindo Bacon's Body Respect book as "the weight range that your body likes best." Sandra Aamodt has also begun calling it one's "defended weight range", to account for the fact that it's not a single number, it's a range.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Setpoints are a real thing, no doubt about it. But I also kind of hate the concept, because when we're steeped in our own fatphobia, it can be hard to believe that our setpoint might be higher than our current weight. This is particularly true if we're fat. It's easy to convince ourselves that our body can't possibly want to be fat, and therefore our setpoint must be lower than our current weight.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Sadly, some writers have also introduced the idea of aiming for the "lowest part" of your setpoint range. This concept is steeped in fatphobia and encourages us to move out of relationship with our bodies and aim at a number through effort. In other words, this concept tends to encourage us to engage in diety behaviors.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Hoping that our setpoint is lower than our current weight and trying to get to the lowest part of our natural setpoint range can get in the way of having a caring relationship with our body. It can prevent us from trusting our body's intuition around when, how much, and what to eat, and when, how much, and what kind of movement feels good.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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If you think this concept of 'setpoint' is throwing you for a loop, I urge you to ditch it. Your body is going to land where it's going to land, period. Focus on the path of rekindling that relationship with your body after years of denying it what it wanted while dieting. Whatever size your body lands at when you're caring for it in a non-diety, non-disordered way is where it's meant to be. And technically that is your setpoint but ironically, you might have better luck by not getting distracted by it.
✨ Third in my series of the very specific, life- ✨ Third in my series of the very specific, life-changing ways fat people are impacted by weight stigma. ✨⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Fat people are consistently denied fertility treatment on the basis that they cannot or should not conceive while fat. Fertility clinics have wildly different policies, but I've heard of cutoffs  starting as low as a BMI of 30. (Note: the BMI is bullshit and racist and I'm only mentioning it here because it's part of these medical criteria.)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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These cutoffs are 1000% rooted in fatphobia. Fat people have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies ALL THE TIME. And since we know how harmful weight loss attempts through dieting and surgery can be, it is unethical to prescribe these as a precondition to treatment.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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If you are a fat person interested in matters of fertility, I highly recommend checking out the work of my friend Nicola at @fatpositivefertility.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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In sum, medical fatphobia harms fat people every minute of every day. Fat liberation is about seeking justice for fat people in every corner of their lives. This is what separates fat lib conversations from conversations about body positivity. Finding our self-worth is one piece of the puzzle. It helps us feel worthy of seeking justice and it improves our day-to-day lives as fat people. But it is only one piece, and this is why we fat activists fight so hard for these messages not to be drowned out.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Made on a Generous Plan ・ Fat liberation coaching ・ Online and in Portland, OR ・ Visit generousplan.com for more!
This is the second in my weight stigma series, whe This is the second in my weight stigma series, where I try to make weight stigma less abstract and more tangible for folks who are not affected by it. I can’t decide whether to continue this series as the first post didn’t get much traction — so please let me know your feedback if you feel so inclined.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Second up, because I saw this mentioned the other of day and the horror of it is fresh in my mind: some people are denied life-saving organ transplants because they are deemed too fat. Unless they can successfully advocate for themselves and/or have someone advocate on their behalf, they may be faced with trying to lose an immense amount of weight rapidly in order to qualify. NO ONE should have to deal with this. Losing large amounts of weight is not possible without starvation. It can be very, very hard on the body (not to mention temporary) and can lead to malnutrition and muscle wastage before a surgery takes place—meaning a person is WEAKER rather than stronger.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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So yes, to get super, super specific, when we are fighting against weight stigma one of the things we are fighting for is humans being able to access life-saving surgeries regardless of their size. Let's not let our activism ever get abstract or watered down.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Made on a Generous Plan ・ Fat liberation coaching ・ Online and in Portland, OR ・ Visit generousplan.com for more!
✨ Fat people who follow my feed: much of this se ✨ Fat people who follow my feed: much of this series will not be news to you, particularly if you are large or superfat. But for everyone else's benefit, I wanted to get super, super specific about what the costs of weight stigma really are. I hope it's beneficial. ✨⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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It's a bit of a distancing term, really... "weight stigma". It feels abstract, general. But it has devastating consequences. REAL HARM. PEOPLE DIE.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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First up: fat people earn less than non-fat people. There have been numerous studies showing this; one, for instance, showed fat women aged 18-25 earned 12% less than their thinner colleagues (1).⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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For a woman earning the median U.S. individual income of $33,706, that's a loss of over $4,000 a year.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Now, just to get a better sense of things, let's assume that woman earns the same amount every year over a 45 year working career (say, from age 20 to 65) and is impacted similarly by her fatness throughout her lifespan. In that case, she has lost over $180,000 simply by being fat.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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This doesn't account for inflation and it makes a ton of assumptions for a back-of-the-napkin kind of estimation, but I think it still serves the purpose of providing a sense of just how significant these impacts could be in a person's life.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Weight stigma is REAL and its very significant impacts need to be acknowledged so that we can CHANGE it. Please let this inform your day-to-day actions in advocating for fat people.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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(1) Register, C. A., & Williams, D. R. (1990). Wage effects of obesity among young workers. Social Science Quarterly, 71(1), 130.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Made on a Generous Plan ・ Fat liberation coaching ・ Online and in Portland, OR ・ Visit generousplan.com for more!
For those not currently aware, it is Weight Stigma For those not currently aware, it is Weight Stigma Awareness Week. This week was founded by the amazing folks at the Binge Eating Disorder Association, and the week was taken over by the National Eating Disorder Association (of the US; @neda) when the two organizations merged a couple of years ago.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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When the two organizations merged it was with an understanding that NEDA would work to reform the organization to be more social justice-minded and to support and advocate on behalf of all marginalized people (rather than just the thin, white women who had traditionally been the face of the eating disorder community).⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Unfortunately, despite some EXTREMELY dedicated fat people from BEDA working within the organization to create reform, the organization has evidently decided to lampoon its social justice mission, and along with it, the founder of BEDA, Chevese Turner. When powerful ED community members complained about new social justice efforts within the organization, NEDA buckled and ousted the person who was the loudest champion of them. Chevese’s compatriot Joslyn (the only other fat NEDA employee) resigned in protest on Tuesday.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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The problem is that fat people, BIPOC people, queer people,  trans/non-binary/gnc people, low SES people, rural people, and neurodivergent people are all receiving substandard care in the ED community each and every day. Marginalized people with EDs need CONSISTENT, DEDICATED advocates to protect them and make change in this field, not fair-weather friends who relent when powerful people don't want to give up their power.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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We as a HAES community are banding together to demand better from NEDA. We need accountability for all of their actions, and we damn well need (and DESERVE) a commitment from them to do BETTER in the future.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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